Happy mama

It's been a while since I wrote, life has just been busy and not all that exciting...but still so good. I gotta keep updating this thing though, or it defeats the purpose and I will have no documentation of this time in our lives at all...especially since I have started like 6 photo books and have yet to figure out how to successfully complete one on Shutterfly...

Anyway, short update, lots of pics:
Charlotte is growing well so far...I'm 22 weeks tomorrow and nearing the size I was when I HAD Shep..I'd be hyperventilating if this was my first go round, but since getting bigger at a much faster rate means healthy baby, I mostly just feel happy...except for that moment a week or so ago when I discovered I could no longer fit into my stretchiest regular jeans, but what mom loves THAT experience?

Last year at the Dallas Arboretum.

Shep would NOT let go of his pumpkin under any circumstances.

                                               
 Shep is 22 months and starting to use sentences, almost all starting with "I want..." His favorite thing to do is push his trucks around our house literally ALL day long and torturing our poor dog by holding toys in front of her face and screaming "Ella NO!"  Since it's cooled off, we've been to the zoo, the arboretum and will go to the pumpkin patch soon! Fall...I love you.

This pregnancy has also been interesting because I'm much more emotional than I EVER was with Shep...like cry at commercials or tear up looking at the elevator button that says NICU going to my Dr. appointments...it's been pretty comical and I've decided there is nothing to do but just go with it. Thankfully, Erron has jumped on the crazy train as well and is able to gently chuckle while his wife starts sobbing on the couch during random commercials.

22 Weeks...and taking advantage of an unconscious Shep, I rarely get to snuggle him.

First day of school...sort of

Love this ornery face.

So as a teacher, the first day of school always made me kind of anxious. But as an observer I LOVE it--all the excitement without any of the nerves. So this was my first "1st day" in five years not be greeting new students...and yeah, I missed it some. It's a fun day! But to be honest, it was wonderful to be able to walk in the school with Shep man, drop off treats in the teacher's lounge, and just...walk out.

Our first day today was an excitement of a different sort. My plan was to feed my picky eater a healthy breakfast since he's had an upset stomach lately and has refused all food that's good for him. Then run by the store and drop off treats at the school for the staff early enough to catch my old team on their planning time.
Best laid plans. 
Shep woke up in a horrible mood, angry that his daddy wasn't there and spent 20 minutes crying "Dada bye bye." Then he found the cheerios in the pantry and threw an EPIC tantrum when I took them away. I'm talking, roll around on the floor screaming, hyperventilating, my toddler life is over, fit. Nothing worked, bananas, eggs, singing, even a visit from the dogs could not calm this kid down. So much for my healthy breakfast.

So I caved, I let him eat only cheerios for breakfast, and was about to throw him in the car when I realized both our dogs had escaped from our backyard. So we're out in the front yard, looking super classy, pregnant, in my husband's robe and his flip flops yelling for our dogs while Shep calmly dips his fist over and over into the cheerios box. Thankfully the dogs make it back home on their own, so Shep and I throw on cute outfits for our fist day of school visit.

It's not till I'm almost to the school when I realize I still have Erron's flip flops on. I've managed to make through the grocery store without even noticing...this clearly kills my look as a 'got it together mom', so I gotta turn around and try again.

This whole thing is funny to me because I've spent the last 4 days changing about a zillion toxic diapers not to mention the piles of pee and poo off the floor from when I let Shep run around naked to air out a diaper rash. But I still LOVE that this is what I'm doing today. Chasing dogs, changing diapers and going shopping in shoes that are way too big for my feet, I'll take it.

Test Results

This week we got our results. My sweet mom was driving down from Oklahoma to spend a few days waiting them out with me when Erron called me from work with the news. That's right, I had them call my husband instead of me, but in my defense, Erron keeps a clear head and can ask the right questions when needed to. This girl, on the other hand, can get lost in a moment and forget she ever knew how to think rationally, ever.

Going into the week we knew we would find out our non invasive Maternity 21 test results between Monday and Wednesday. Erron prayed for us Sunday night and Monday morning I woke up with an unnatural calmness. I felt at peace with whatever would happen but I also felt  hopeful. Now, I'm usually a worst case scenario person, I rarely hope for the best outcome, because I don't what the heartache when it doesn't happen. But Erron challenged me on this last week. He admitted he was struggling with the same thought pattern but decided that there was no point in asking God for a healthy baby if we didn't believe it could be done. We decided from that day on we would pray with expectancy. So, back to Monday, it was such a weird feeling, because I really felt fine with either outcome, but more than that, I felt like the outcome would be good.

He called me with good news. Praise the Lord.  I must have asked Erron a million times what the genetic counselor said exactly and finally I just called her back myself to hear the words out of her own mouth.

So going into this month's ultrasound the thing I'm thinking the most about it gender which feels nice. If I'm 100% honest, I still have a little twinge of nervousness, the counselor said they'd still keep an eye on the elevated fluid on our baby's neck but that it could go away on its own, or be a non issue, and Down's Syndrome is no longer a main concern.

In a way, as stressful as this has been, and as much as I'd LOOOVE to have a normal, absolutely boring pregnancy, it has been an awesome experience for Erron and I to share together. I am impressed by him and his leadership of our little family. He has been faithful and steady which has been a huge blessing to me. It's SUPER cheesy (I promise I'm not normally so mushy) but I feel pretty great about facing any future challenges not just with this pregnancy, but in general, because I have such confidence in him as a husband and a father. Erron if you are reading this, I think this should earn me dinner out at a place that serves fried pickles. Just saying. :)

Fear

Isaiah 41:13For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

I have though a lot about fear in the last few days. I admit I've had an unhealthy share of fear this past weekend. Last night I had a dream our results came back and something was very wrong with our baby and the doctors were trying to explain it to me and I couldn't understand any of the words they were using. I've been fearful that even if our test results came back normal, something will be wrong with the placenta again and our baby's health will be in jeapordy the longer I carry it. So. Much. Fear.

For what? What can I do about it? Nothing. And the thing is, even if something is wrong, even if this baby needs to come early again, I know in my head I have the God of the universe holding my hand.  And even thinking about that fact brings me so much peace.  I just need my heart to rest in that. So that's my challenge this week as we continue to wait for results. To live out each day in peace, not to wait anxiously, but to live each day this week fully invested in what I've already been blessed with. Erron, Shepherd, our family and friends.

Baby Weig

You may not know the story of how my son was born, but it was less than ideal. He was measuring small and wasn't moving a ton, so I began going in for weekly growth checks. Looking back on that pregnancy, I knew something was wrong in my gut a little over half way through. I just couldn't shake the uneasiness. Before leaving town to go to my parents for Christmas, I ran in to do one last growth check on my own, without Erron. Keep in mind this is NOT my OB's office who I LOVE...This is a different doctor, very different personality. I am emotional, female, and pregnant. He... is none of those things. But he IS good at his job...minus the talking to pregnant, highly emotional women part. It was at this checkup the Dr. leaves the room after the ultrasound, comes back a few minutes later and procedes to tell me, as if he were rattling off his lunch order, that I was being admited immediatly, and they would take Shepherd by C-section in 2 days because he was breech and wouldn't survive labor anyway. I was 32 weeks.

I remember standing there, alone, not fully comprehending what I was hearing. I asked the Dr. to "please repeat everything you just said to me" and he sighed! And then said the exact same thing, in the same tone, word for word. Flash forward a year and a half, we have a healthy, beautiful boy. But I will never forget that moment, and the panic associated with that office.

Little Man, few days old.

Which brings me to this pregnancy. I already felt nervous about this go-round because the last one was so unusual. Doctors assured me it was probably a fluke deal but I am to be watched much more closely this time around, just in case. Also, my OB said I should do the 12 week ultrasound so they could get early measurements on the charts. I did the 12 week ultrasound and screening with Shep mostly because I didn't know I could refuse it. Sono was great, blood test came back with all my chromosome abnormality risks in 1/10,000s or something crazy. So silly to me, I don't even remember the numbers. We are not in the same boat now.

Last Friday I was 13 weeks and Erron and I were super excited for this ultrasound because we were able to find out Shep's gender this early last time. However, once we stepped off the elevator all that anxiousness came flooding back. Ladies don't ever go do these things alone. Bring your hubby, your mom, your best friend, you need someone to share your joy with OR someone to hold your hand when you feel like your world might cave in. Anyway, I mentioned to Erron how anxious I felt coming back to this place, my last memory of it being so overwhelming and scary. Soon we are watching baby #2 bounce around on the TV and we were thrilled! The doctor is checking off all the measurements, arms, neck, sort of, the baby is in a tough position......brain, heart...we are feeling good. Then she asks me to empty my bladder and she'll look for gender when I get back. That was red flag #1. It's 13 weeks, I'll get seen by them every month, why would she care about the gender this early? I knew this in my head, Erron did too, but I skipped off to the bathroom telling myself that she was being so accommodating to us! When I returned, she spent more time searching the head until I finally asked, "Did everything turn out ok with the neck?" She puts down the sono wand thing..and says "Actually there's a little more fluid back there than we'd like to see." Panic. Immediately. Instant tears. I'd like to think I can keep it together in most difficult situations (I'm probably giving myself WAY too much credit already) but I've decided that when you're pregnant, and there's potentially something wrong with that precious little person inside of you and you can do NOTHING about it...all that strength and composure you thought you had? It goes out the window.

So, to wrap this up...this is were sit in our situation as of now. The blood screen came back with pretty high odds of possible Downs Syndrome. The doctors we've talked to are optimistic, it is a screen after all, not diagnostic, but to us, they are much, much higher than odds we'd like. Does it change how much we love this baby? Never, not one bit. Am I afraid? I'm ashamed to admit that yes, I'm heartbroken and scared. But if I can separate myself from the situation a little, I think I'm MOSTLY afraid of what I don't know. What I DO know, is that this baby is fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe that with all my heart, and no matter the outcome, this sweet baby is a gift from God, perfectly designed. And Erron and I will be head over heels for this little person the minute we meet them. Shoot, we already are! But, we feel the need to be prepared...and thankfully Texas offers a non invasive test that helps us do that. We have already decided we will do no testing that puts this pregnancy at risk, so this non-invasive Maternity 21 test is our route. By searching out extra 21 chromosomes, it will be able to tell us, with high accuracy, YES or NO, your baby has Down's Syndrome. If yes, then fine...we will be ready and prepared for you and all your needs sweet baby! I believe my anxiousness will subside greatly because I will just KNOW. If not, great, I will be able to relax and have a  healthier frame of mind for the duration of this pregnancy than I'm in now.

Baby #2!

My wise husband put it beautifully yesterday when I was having a hard time pulling it together. He said,"Allie this changes nothing...it's still you and me. We still have Shep and we still have this new baby. Nothing about our family has changed." And he's so right. Thank you Jesus for the gift of life, thank you for medicine that helps us prepare for it, and for friends and family that rally around you when you feel overwhelmed. We are so thankful, and so excited to meet baby Weig #2.

Forget Me Nots..

Shepherd...19 months

Clearly, we need bigger shirts.

Little man, you are 19 months old and you are my little buddy. You and your daddy have gotten to be great pals and you go nuts every time he comes home. You love to rough house and play games with your dad, but you let me snuggle with you in the morning. I am completely OK with this arrangement.

In honor of 19 months of life with Shepherd, here is a list of 19 things I want to capture about Shep at this time:

*You are slow to get up in the morning...it is one of my favorite things about you...you roll and   squirm around in your crib for a few minutes before you stand to let me pick you up. It makes me wonder what it will be like to get you up for school. :)
*You have white blond hair with little curls in the back which I'm kind of obsessed with. I still haven't cut it even though I've been saying I need to for weeks...
*You like to give Gus hugs...more than he likes to receive them.
*You can throw a dramatic tantrum...head banging on the floor, rolling around...they are impressive and thankfully, short lived.
*You know lots of your body parts..all of your face and now your knees, elbows, hands and toes.
*You are OBSESSED with crackers...it is your favorite word and you say it for all types of food, alllll day long.
*You have most of your teeth! You are cutting your 4 incisors right now and you will have a full set minus your 2nd year molars

Watching the Olympics.

*You like to sing "Ashes, Ashes" while spinning in a circle and "E-I-E-I" with out the O.
*You just learned how to kick your feet in the tub and your daddy taught you how to yell underwater.
*You love shoes...you pick out which ones you want to wear and you try to walk in your daddy's.
*You now like smoothies, which is how we sneak in lots of milk and vegetables.
*You love to play with trucks, and you sit on them even though they are way too small for your body.
*You are brave in all things except sliding down slides...in this you need a little coaxing.
*You love books and being read to.
*You have this habit of clawing food out of your mouth when you're told you can't have anymore..it's awesome...
*You're getting better at drinking from a cup.
*You love to stand at the window and yell Ella's name...it's so funny, she has no idea you really exist and it reminds us for Great Expectations...Steeellllaaa!
*You come to me with your "owies", and let me kiss them away.
*Lion King is your favorite movie...you'd watch it every day if we'd let you.

Joing the Club

I know what you might be thinking, I know what I would be thinking. Another brand new stay at home mom with more time on her hands so of course she'll need to start her very own blog while her kids are napping! OK. Part of it is true, Shep actually is asleep and I am writing my first post instead of dealing with the clothes in the dryer that I have dried 3 times so they don't get wrinkled. But, I have a slightly more understanding perspective on mommy blogs...I get now how time can move really slow and fast all at once and before you know it, you start to forget exactly what it was like when you try to think back on it all. And with blogs, unlike journals, or scrap booking, I HATE scrap booking, you can easily attach your pictures to go with the memories...so there it is in a nutshell. This is a glorified online diary, and I can attempt to make it look cute.

Also, there is one more thing.

Anyone who knows me really well would laugh out loud at the idea of me starting a blog. Blythe, I can actually hear you laughing in my head right now. And it's true. I am technologically stuck in the early 90's. I can facebook, check e-mail, look up trivial information on the Internet, and construct a word document, put new music on my i-phone, SOMETIMES...other times I wipe out the whole thing. That is the full extent of my tech skills. If someone from my old school is reading this, I'm sure they are thinking how in the WORLD did you not get fired on the spot!? It's true, and I don't know how.
So the whole blog idea both interests and scares me to death. I hate feeling stupid and working with technology is the fastest way to make me feel like a first class moron. I'm the girl who crashes our lap top by literally touching it. My family will testify. Even setting up this blog was disastrous. My sweet husband had to finally step in and help out because 40 minutes into it I was so frustrated and flustered I was in tears and all my words came out as four letter words. It was unattractive, but not unexpected. So I decided I would conquer this blog phobia and not let it beat me. I really don't care if no one reads it, the fact that I can even attach a picture to my profile is a victory. Which is one of the reasons I titled the blog "Baby Steps." Aside from the obvious "little children running around"connotation, this whole blog process will be a series of baby-steps for me. I will learn how to do this, one tiny step at a time.
For now though, I have to fold those dang clothes in the dryer.